If You Leave Me: A Novel by Crystal Hana Kim

Author:Crystal Hana Kim [Kim, Crystal Hana]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, Literary, Asian American, Sagas
ISBN: 9780062645203
Google: OhI9DwAAQBAJ
Amazon: B071X3ZX7B
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2018-08-06T22:00:00+00:00

The next morning, dense clouds cloaked the sun and sky. I folded and refolded my clothes, ate two bowls of rice, and finished all the vegetable dregs of my stew. I looked around for Haemi, but she wasn’t in the kitchen or the dining room. By leaving time, I still hadn’t seen her. Mother called from the front yard, prodding me to hurry before I missed the bus.

In the common room, Jisoo held Jieun in his good arm as Solee tugged on his right leg. I wondered if Haemi had told him about our fight, if he’d berate me before I left. He grimaced at the girls’ high chatter but smiled when he saw me. “That was a fun last outing. Are you feeling all right?”

I nodded. “I have a headache.”

“Me too.” He laughed. “You’ll be great in Seoul, you know that? You’ll fit right in.” He shook my hand. “You ready to go?”

Jieun squeezed Jisoo’s ears. “Daddy, you stay today?”

“Say goodbye to Uncle first,” he said.

“Bye for only a little while,” I added. “I’ll come back.”

“I’ll miss you,” Solee said, and hid her face in Jisoo’s pants when I tried to hug her. Jieun didn’t understand. She bowed her head dutifully and again asked Jisoo to stay home.

“Don’t let Mother worry you. We’re in the Second Republic now. A parliamentary system, the way it should have been since the beginning. I’m jealous of all the fun you’ll have.” Jisoo thumped my shoulder, his mind already drifting toward matters that didn’t relate to me. “You should go before the bus leaves.”

I looked out the front door. Mother stood alone. “Have you seen Nuna?”

He squeezed Jieun’s narrow face left and right, like a puppet. “Nope. I woke up and she was gone. Right, Jieun?”

“Hyung.” I shifted my bag between my hands, feeling panicked all of a sudden at its weight. “I haven’t seen her. I kind of argued with her last night.”

Jisoo breathed out his nose. “Then we both did. She’s probably mad, hiding somewhere.” He set Jieun down next to Solee, ignoring her protests, and shook my hand. “I have work. I’ll see you soon.”

I shepherded the girls to their room, hoping to find Haemi there. I wanted to apologize, to ask for her forgiveness. She wasn’t there.

“Where’s your mommy?” I asked.

“She said I have to watch Jieun until you leave. She went walking.” Solee cuddled Jieun. “I’m being a good sister.”

“She said that?” I searched the room for any sign of where she might have gone. I’d been drunk and mean, but how many hateful words had she thrown at me in the past months? I always let her taunts slide off. I never held her words against her.

“Will you visit soon?” Solee asked.

“Visit visit?” Jieun echoed.

“Of course. In the meantime, I’ll send lots of treats and letters. Now, back to sleep.” I sang a song and they fell asleep quickly, the way only children can.

Watching them clutch each other as they dreamed, I decided I would come back for the girls, but no longer for my sister.

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